Mar 21 2009

Proctólogo

Published by under humor

Hace pocos días cumplí 48 años. Todos me dicen “parecés de 40”, “¡¡Si no se te nota!”!… “estás hecho un güila!!”.

Pura paja. Manada de modofocas!!!, cuando sos un güila, nadie te dice “estás hecho un güila”. Cuando te dicen que estás hecho un güila, ya estás refrito…

Frente al ocaso final, el único honesto fue mi médico. Para mi cumple gentilmente me regaló: una orden para hacerme endoscopía, colonoscopía, ecostress, placa de tórax, tomografía completa y, la cereza sobre el pastel:

– “Vas al proctólogo”. La verdad, creo que prefiero la muerte.

A propósito, estuve meditando sobre este asuntito del proctólogo y comprendí que lo complicado no es la cuestión técnica en sí, sino la humillación…

El problema no son sus dedos, sino sus ojos.

El mae te mira, sabe quien sos y lo que va a hacerte…

Por eso se me ocurrió que, si como el doctor usa guantes desechables, los pacientes deberíamos llegar al consultorio con una bolsa de papel en la cabeza. Yo sé que es un poco raro llegar encapuchado. Pero lo otro es mucho peor…

Imagínense si un par de días después, te encontrás al doctor en un restaurante almorzando con su familia. El mae te mira y te dice: “¿Cómo te va?” mientras sus hijos y esposa cuchichean conteniendo la risa…

La bolsa de papel, indudablemente, es la única manera de evitar la humillación. Mientras no te vean la cara, no hay daño. Bueeeenoo, más o menos.

Volviendo al asunto principal, llegué a los 48 y, frente a la inminencia del adiós, nada mejor que un buen balance.

Sobre mi mundo, sólo tengo palabras de agradecimiento: [email protected], amores, trabajos, conocidos, familia, padres, [email protected] e hijas, han honrado con lealtad y patriotismo el cargo que la vida les ha asignado. Y me han soportado con altruismo estoico.

En general, todos fuimos y somos buena gente, aunque yo confieso que cuando tenía menos de 12 años agarré un gatito, lo metí en la nevera de una vecina y casi lo mato.

En 1973 yo tenía 12 años y a veces pienso que todo lo malo que viene después puede ser un castigo por haber lastimado aquel gato y joder a mi vecina media bruja.

Si romper un espejo trae 7 años de desgracia, atentar contra un vecina es mínimo una gran desgracia 3 décadas después.

¿Qué cara puedo ponerle al proctólogo?


La que mi vecina puso hace 3 décadas cuando abrió la nevera…

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